Saturday, July 30, 2005

My Future Celebrity

Another day for my too-fertile mind to encompass recent events. I do try to limit my thoughts by faithfully ingesting Lamictal and Klonopin for my manic-depressive illness, but they only slightly dampen the amplitude, i.e.--I'm not Napoleon today.

Speaking of Napoleon, did you know that all of Hitler's women attempted suicide, though only Geli, his niece, was successful? Eva and Leni didn't succeed--but imagine the alternative.

I saw a clip of Hitler last night on the History Channel trying to pet his dog at Berghof; the dog was obviously wary but finally submitted to his touch. Maybe we should dog-test politicians, like Bill Frist, who, though no neurologist, opined that Terry Schiavo was alive by viewing a videotape, when we now know her brain was more like the cauliflower that just replaced the brain of Dilbert's boss. To trust Bill's impression of stem cell research thus seems dangerous. Perhaps we could have a dog check for us?

One earthquake predictor actually factors in the disappearance of animals in his paradigm for predicting quakes. And dogs can detect cancer by smell, though why would they want to? Then my dog, Kenyon, loves to roll in seagull droppings or any other unusual, nitrogen-laced brews to impress his canine friends. "Get a load of this" he says. "You ever smell this before?"

Hard to keep up with the canine cologne industry, though being trapped in an elevator with an Arab comes close to the gas chamber for me. Why do they wear so much cologne? I mean, it's not like they're driving camels over here, though they smoke a lot of them.

The recent deaths of four scout leaders in South Carolina by electrocution have been compounded by a scout leader being killed by lightning in Sequoia National Forest. (A scout was killed as well, now brain dead and being kept alive for organ harvest: attention Bill Frist--but first the dog test.)

Six deaths by electrocution, four unnatural and two natural, begs the question: in view of techonology's progress, do we blame God for only 1/3 of these tragedies? As man evolves, God's responsibility contracts. I don't think he's involved in these things at all, though my gay friend disagrees. He thinks the fact that yesterday's roller coaster accident at Disneyland resulted in only fifteen minor injuries a fitting contrast to the punishment of Boy Scouts. Recall that the Disney Corporation was a pioneer in hiring gays and granting benefits to their partners, while the Boy Scouts forbade gays from becoming Scout Leaders. Have the chickens come home to roost? If they have, my dog will soon be rolling in their coops.

Another thought: perhaps Disney's Electrical Parade succeeded in immunizing its employees against lightning. And perhaps Bill Gates' investment in a vaccine for malaria is more cost-effective than a little DDT--not!

Go, Africa! Our strange brand of compassion must puzzle you. Of course our money goes to your tribal strongmen, but that, of course, lends pride to the tribe, if not food. Not even Bono can change that, just as he can't change his music. If U2 has not become a parody of itself then Bill Frist should watch the tape.

Back to Hitler's women. What an uncanny sense he had in choosing them! It takes a true narcissistic personality disorder to unfailingly choose borderline personality disorders for mates. Eva had no identity without him, just as you, gentle reader, have no identity without my blog--though dogs actually like me.

All this was a warm-up for my theme today. I am now selling shares of stock in my future celebrity for $1. Just send it to the PayPal link at www.melicreview.com and I will send you an e-mail with a stock certificate. I've come to realize that before a book or album of mine reaches a major audience, I must become a celebrity beforehand. That's how it's done nowadays. And you can get in on the ground floor with your contribution now.

I plan to be the first publically held celebrity on the planet! (Naturally my idea will be stolen but you heard it here first.)

And who was the greatest celebrity of the 20th Century? Why, Hitler, of course. It's not talent, it's exposure. He's still bigger than Churchill, Mao, Stalin, Einstein, Elvis, Kennedy or Marilyn Monroe. Imagine if you had shares in his celebrity! A veritable gold mine (my apologies to Jews, Gypsies and communists).

Which proves you don't have to be loved to triumph as a celebrity; it's at least as good to be hated--as long as you bag some air time. Go, O.J, and the Wichita Raders!



C. E Chaffin

14 comments:

  1. yeah- well, hi- I just got back from the poetry workshop at west virginia university (this year I worked with David Baker ed. of the Kenyon Review, previous years Jane Mead and Tony Hoagland) to find that Melic will soon be GONE- well, archived, but gone.

    Sorry to see it but you gotta do what you gotta do- people refused to stand against idiots and the idiots won- guess the Patriot Act will keep it from happening elsewhere-

    BUT I will miss the thing- and will try to come up woth something suitable for the final issue.

    You are the best, CEC- logopoetry genius and general curmudgeon of the net- good luck on the Paypal thing- I'll try to scrape out a dollar-

    yers in werds-

    shann

    yeah- i gotta blog somewhere but mostly the http://groups.msn.com/FlashPaperPoetry is my home turf

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi C.E.

    Nice to see you have started this blog. I received your e-mail about the last issue of Melic Review and have been spreading the word. So hopefully you will receive a good turnout for your final issue on "The Death of Melic" -- encompassing the not so surprising theme of DEATH. As you say, "We welcome poems, stories and essays on the subject." Deadline November 1. You may wish to post a blub on your blog somewhere, Mr. Celebrity.

    Chris

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi CE, I became a Blogger today just so I could post something here. I was sorry to hear about Melic in your email yesterday, too bad, I thought you had some really good poems in there. Now the future celebrity thing, that's interesting, are there any celebrity poets or were there ever and what does it take to become one? I suppose whoever the Library of Congress names as Poet Laureate gets some airplay, but people on the street don't talk about poets or poems or recite them except for kids' poems like Mother Goose or ink-a-dink or psalms in church or songs which because of the music seem to have a life of their own inside your head.
    What was the last really famous poem, Howl? and before that? In Flanders Field? OK I am blathering, for me the pleasure of poetry is in the writing, and reading, but I wonder why so few poets seem to "capture the world's attention" or "change the world" in any measurable way. Cheers, MArk

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Shann, CTG, and Mark:

    So good of you to stop by. Glad to hear you think of me associated with poetry. I find the challenge of a trying to write a humorous essay in an hour or so a welcome release from the strictures of literary compression; poetry lasts forever and a blog but a day.

    Glacier vs. Mayfly.

    I hope all three of you will submit work on death for the next Melic; per usual, no favoritism will be shown, but I think you all know that a quality poem is irresistable to this editor, though very hard to write. Good luck!


    Thanks again for stopping by and I hope we continue to communicate here, elsewhere or by e-mail. (My e-mail in my profile so friends may contact me.)

    May your muses be generous,

    CE

    p.s. If nothing in my blog to date is remotely funny, please castigate me in public. And I mean that.

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  13. My name is Julia Bean and i would like to show you my personal experience with Klonopin.

    I am 36 years old. Have been on Effexor for at least 5 months now. My dr put me on 5 to 10mg per night right from the start, I was on it for approximately 4 to 5 months before a friend showed up at my drs appt to tell him what was happening to me. I was sure I was losing my mind and afraid to tell them what was happening. They discontinued my klonopin on the spot and eventually all those symptoms went away it took months!! I don't recall having any withdrawl symptoms but I may have as I had never been on many meds before!

    I have experienced some of these side effects-
    Periodic Amnesia that increased as time went on, confusion, blurred vision, Muscle Pain, Left Sided numbness and weakness, pneumonia... plus plus plus

    I hope this information will be useful to others,
    Julia Bean

    ReplyDelete
  14. If you were truly on 5 to 10 mg. of Klonopin/day, that's truly a megadose and could cause memory impairment and other symptoms. Usual dose is 0.5 to 2 mg/day, usually taken at bedtime. Glad your mind has cleared!

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