Surprise/ Dark Sonnets Revised

For three days almost I have felt slightly better with no explanation; no change in meds or therapy.  Less rumination, esp. about suicide.

I've been reading "The Noonday Demon" again by Andrew Solomon, an excellent book I recommend.  He subtitles it "An Atlas of Depression," and certainly the moniker is deserved. 

Meanwhile I summoned the courage to revise some of the "Dark Sonnets" posted here before.  I hope to offer the revised series in the coming weeks, beginning with today's "I."

Namaste,

Craig

I


Once more this fell infection of the mind
Galls itself, one wound gouges another.
This pus of pitted surfaces will find
More cells to infiltrate, more smooth to smother.
I put a stethoscope upon my head
To eavesdrop on the stuttering machine,
Heard nothing but the clawing of the dead
Inside a skipping jukebox’s routine.
I dream of pills and guns and mangled cars,
The sordid images of methods used.
They haven’t answered “Is there life on Mars?”
As yet. From judgment shouldn’t I be recused
Until they do? Because no life in me
Obtains beyond blessed fatality.