Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Spammers Blocked?

I changed my password but think spammers still get through.  Don't know how to stop them.

As for my condition, I am paralyzed with fear despite copious medications.  It's a little better at night with some brandy and numbness and television.  I read pulp fiction during the day.  Attend a couple JC classes that I don't understand and am too anxious to actually study for.

I'm in therapy but it is more hand-holding to prevent suicide.

If it weren't for the love of my wife I would no longer be here.  Kathleen is a saint. 

I do not understand how people can get up in the morning, stretch and mutter "carpe diem."  I have no interest in anything and nothing to seize.  I do my utmost to avoid pain and responsibility, but in the end they are inescapable.

I am in hell.  The smallest tasks fill me with trepidation.  Showering.  Brushing my teeth.  It's a miracle I practice personal hygiene at all.

I can't seem to organize anything or make decisions about anything.  It's as if I've lost my soul, at least my conscious deciding ego.  Sometimes I just flip a coin to make a decision, as it doesn't matter to me, and randomness is as good as anything since I can't think clearly.

Terrified--beyond Kilorats into some fear state I cannot adequately describe.

And how was your day?



  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. My day is now tomorrow. Can't sleep.

    CE, you don't know me but some of the stuff you wrote while at Melic Review ('Advice to Young Poets' and 'Notes on Modulation') was influential in developing what poetic craft I have. For which, many thanks.

    Do not despair. In my black times my dad used to bolster my spirits with the aphorism "the darkest hour is just before the dawn". A cliche I know, but blocking the spammers could be a start.

    Best Wishes, Captain Chaos

  3. Thanks, both, for commenting. So glad I was some help to you in an earlier incarnation, Mark.


    p.s. I failed to block the spammers and am contemplating a new blog site as a solution.


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