Monday, July 30, 2007

Could the MIracle Have Begun?

The official Kilobunny, courtesy of Jennifer:

I don't want to jinx myself by prematurely pronouncing myself improved, but to hell with superstition.

On Saturday, July 28, I did not cry. I have not wept since. I have experienced hope. I have experienced pleasure.

At Kathleen's suggestion, with the small checks I recently earned for my poems, I treated myself today to an outlandish shirt, part of the Wrangler "Silver" series--a western shirt with faux pearl snaps, black with maroon and truly silver pinstripes--shimmering silver from some special thread. A shirt fit for a manic.

I shall wear it when performing. My next gig is at "Art in the Gardens" in the Botanical Gardens of Fort Bragg, August 11. Any locals should be sure to come as it is a grand party.

Just before midnight on July 27, an old friend and bass-playing band mate of mind called to say, "I love you, monkey." We have a long history of monkey speak. He's even crazier than I am. So we talked monkey-crazy for a while and I explained to him my ongoing plight. The next morning his brother, an old guitar-playing band mate of mine, called as well and was in good spirits. I hadn't heard from either in a long time. Coincidental conversations? Or was the universe winking at me?

The period of time for which I've been taking a full dose of the new medications I suggested to my psychiatrist is now about two weeks, exactly the amount of time one would expect before a response. Am I finally coming out of the woods when I was neck-deep in bear shit? After 16 fucking fucking fucking months, am I going to make it this time and finally feel like Thomas the Tank, "a useful engine?" As Captain Picard says, "Make it so." Please make it so. I will of course let you know if my euthymia holds.

Do you know how long it's been since I had a feeling of hope? A feeling that I am not entirely worthless and that my life may not have been entirely wasted? To not fear every phone call, to not perceive every detail of existence as an inscrutable, Sisiphyean boulder to push?

BTW, the Zyprexa, like the Seroquel, made me no better, perhaps worse. All it did was ratchet up my melancholic seizures to later, because I slept later. So instead of falling apart into hopeless tears at first at 11 AM each day, I would instead begin disintegrating at 2 PM. It fooled me early on the first day after a dose before I realized the new pattern. Sneaky, sneaky chemicals.

Cross your fingers and pray, chant, or meditate for me, send flaming arrows of good karma my way. If my mood holds you'll be treated to a different kind of subject matter, though naturally my readership will decline, since nothing sells like misery. I don't mean this as a criticism but a simple acknowledgment of human nature. Thank you all for sticking with me.

1 Kilobunny!

Craig Erick


  1. Anonymous4:57 PM PDT

    YaY!!! mmmmmmmmmmmmwhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa...

    don't worry... I waxed my mustache -

  2. Anonymous9:41 PM PDT

    This is good news indeed. So glad you got free of Zyprexa! Art in the Gardens is my favorite event on the coast...we both volunteer for it relieving the artists who show in it so they can take a break, grab a bite to eat, visit with other you two, no doubt, will see us roaming around often. Wish for good weather!

    So glad things are looking up, Craig.


  3. Masale.Wallah9:32 AM PDT

    Congratulations on the turn around! I hope the change is long lasting...

  4. I'm not sure which made me smile more:

    The bunny -- such a serious expression on its face, but then animals usually look strangely serious when dressed in clothing.


    Your post.

    It's a tonic to hear you sound this, dare I say, happy.

    Do wrangle that wife of yours into snapping a photo of you in that shirt. Please? Pretty please?

    I think I need to get myself a bunny so I can dress it in clothes. I think that would make me smile all the damn time to see a rabbit in a tutu.

  5. Anonymous11:42 PM PDT

    If he wears it for Art in the Gardens, ikd, and Kathleen doesn't get a chance to snap a photo of him in it, I promise I will...but only if he promises to sit still. : )


  6. Anonymous7:43 AM PDT

    May more bunnies lurk in your future CE.

    take care

  7. Anonymous9:02 AM PDT

    message for IKD:

    I have Pippy in a tutu actually. Leave me an email message and I will gladly send it to you.

    Craig and Kathleen had to leave town suddenly. It is their story to tell. You will hear from Craig soon, I am sure. In the meantime, please send prayers. They need all they can get.


  8. Masale.Wallah10:06 AM PDT

    In the meantime, please send prayers. They need all they can get.

    That has an ominous sound to it. I hope everything is alright!

  9. Oh, geez, I hope everything's okay.

    I just stopped worrying about someone 2 nights ago.

    Now, I've got someone new to worry about.


    CE, if you read this, be safe. Be well.

    Jennifer, do you have a blog? If you don't, you should. A blog comprised entirely of rabbits dressed up in various clothing. The other night, before I saw the picture of the bunny in the pink dress, I saw this crazy documentary on PBS about people who are um, er, obsessed with ferrets. And they dressed their ferrets up. And weirdly, the ferrets didn't seem to mind one bit.

  10. Anonymous7:38 AM PDT

    What's up with CE and Kathleen? Good things I hope?


  11. Please send your love and prayers to Craig and Kathleen. I'm sure Craig will write when he's ready to. I hope for his sake and ours that he will keep writing this blog.


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