Monday, November 19, 2007

Is This Normal?

Tell me if this is normal background worry:

A vague recrimination about your hoping to be dead before the planet goes to hell; a guilty wish to be protected from people you don't like; dread at answering the phone; being afraid to speak my real feelings for fear of hurting other people's feelings. I take my anger out on little issues like; "Why didn't you tell you were going to take my effin cell phone!"

Or maybe that violation is justifiably anger-provoking.

How would I know? It's been so long since I've been normal, if ever I was.

I'm taking all my medications but not feeling particularly sanguine. I wonder if I am within the normal range of feelings.

Normality requires a kind of blindness to things, a protective tunnel vision constructed around concrete reality. I get so bored with that.

I have great ambivalence toward my visiting stepson whom I recently sprang from Mexico in a act of mad forgiveness, but I can't go into detail, I might hurt someone's feelings.

What about my feelings? Is my polite subjugation to others' needs really polite or just subjugation? Am I a man or a mouse?

Why can't I be my own co-dependent?

I have enough voices in my head for a complete AA meeting.

I'm not psychotic. I'm not depressed. I'm stressed and slightly melancholy.

3 new beings in my environment in less than 3 weeks! I was silly to go along with it. It's a wonder I haven't lost my mind.

Now Kathleen and the cats and Derek gang up on me . I'm a stranger in my own home and I pay the rent.

I do like the cats.

Soon the stress of Thanksgiving.

Even joy is stressful.

At 1 Kilorat,



  1. I'm a recluse. I feel the same ways a lot. But my father's streak in me whispers that I'm a selfish bastard and if it weren't for social intermingling to begin the process the planet would have no homo sapiens on it, being a species that went extinct for failure to tolerate its own member for one dumb excuse or another.

    Grrrr and I'm over sixty and have a RIGHT to be a grumpy, demanding, over-achiever who wants his way THIS very instant!



    "What do you mean, your mother's laughing. At me? Hey! That's not right you know."

  2. haha! guys, I love you both to death, and I mean that, but you're over thinking.

    There's not a person alive, if they even give a slight damn about the people around them who don't feel 'A vague recrimination about hoping to be dead before the planet goes to hell; a guilty wish to be protected from people they don't like; dread at answering the phone; being afraid to speak real feelings '

    That's everyday, that's human. I hate the phone, and people piss me off all the time but you can't just SAY that, and who wouldn't want to be dead before the government decides to lock half us up for no particular reason or some nutjob gets the bomb?

    The balancing act is the better part. Laughing at the laundry spots, having someone you don't particularly know explain how you can get Word from your old computer (email me, C.E., I can step you through it) and commiserating with that essential truth: we're all the same, some just feel it more than others!

  3. I will e-mail you, Charlene. And thanks for confirming that my thoughts are normal--it's so hard to get that kind of validation today!

    Beau, you've earned your curmudgeonliness so stay true to your vision!


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