Friday, December 21, 2007

Captain Melancholy and Dale Carnegie

Captain Melancholy (CM): What's with these dying trees? I see them being sold everywhere, people haul these things home to watch them die, to watch their needles brown while they turn into a first class fire hazard.

Dale Carnegie (DC): It's not about trees dying, it's a celebration of the evergreen as a symbol of the sun returning from its journey on the winter solstice.

CM: Who asked him to return? Hasn't he heard of global warming? Have Al Gore give Old Sol a clue.

DC: Global warming is not the fault of the sun, it's a sign of industrial progress. Progress, progress, progress is what it's all about. Think positive!

CM: And if I put all my retirement money into a coastal Florida shack?

DC: Think of the joy of rebuilding!

CM: I think without the sun there would be no global warming. Ergo cancel Christmas and construct some giant parasols in space. I love space; so dark and lifeless, so hopeless, so final. I want to be buried in space.

DC: If you take my sales course you might bve able to afford it someday.

CM: Ha! Do you know how much they pay me just to stay away from the inaugural ball? It's depression protection money. I'm not the mob, but I collect my due, even from the mob. Look at Tony Soprano. And I've gone easy on him.

DC: Eek! What's that look in your eyes?

CM: Just your death, how do you like it?

DC: I hope I don't see you later.

CM: Then pay up, dude, or I'll shit on your dreams. That's better. You can go back now to your imaginary world of happiness, full well knowing you have to pay protection money to preserve your illusion.

DC: I'll send Norman Vincent Peale and Tony Robbins after you!

CM: Two more of my paying clients. Where have you been?

DC: The best things in life are free!

CM: Like depression. You want some?

DC: Help! I'm out of here!

CM: Chicken. I want to sing:

"I'm dreaming of a black Christmas
Just like a mental hospital
Where the patients shuffle
And nurses bustle
To give us all our latest dose.

I'm dreaming of a black Christmas
With every Christmas card I burn.
May your days be sorry and sad
And may all your Christmases be bad."

I hope this finds you in good cheer so I can ruin it.

Depressively yours,

Captain Melancholy

(3 kilorats)


  1. The dream of a BLACK XMAS .. let's leave Christ outa this ...

    bad santas

    xmas ain't what love's about

    xmas is about dysfunctional
    families & psychological abuse,
    & really, really sharp knives,
    weird uncles & too much of everything,
    including chainsaws & plans to silence
    the little bastards your brother sired
    with that broad who hasta-have a pole
    up her butt & can't say anything
    that doesn't start with, "well, I think .."
    as if she actually had one thing other
    than a fierce instinct to smother
    sidling 'round inside her head.

    xmas is about getting even
    for your childhood,
    "oh, sylvia, could you come with me,
    out to the garage? this surprise will slay ya."

    -beau blue

  2. Great Grinchism! And the murderous rage, the chainsaws, etc. Great warpage!

  3. Christmas to me...for the last thirty-three years at about taming the holiday beast, trying to control the hype, keep it simple, make it through it without an ER visit, someone getting hurt. Mental illness and epilepsy make holidays difficult for sure.

    My favorite Christmas was when I was ten, the year my father went broke...I think back now how difficult that must have been for my parents to pull off but they did...I am sure I got the most expensive gift that year... my favorite doll...Woolworth's finest and named her Penny for her copper hair. She was vinyl and had rooted hair that fell out by February but I loved her bald for many years after...loved her far more than the Madam Alexanders I had before her...dolls that were too pretty to play with.

    I had a blessed childhood and draw on it every day.

    Blessing of the season to you all...


  4. love it...christmases come in all colors don't they? blue, black and even..*shudder*...white.

    is it safe to wish you a merry christmas or will i be crucified with a stake of holly through my heart? :>)

  5. A holly stake sounds good if you're a Grinch.

    Pat, I admire the shit out of you!

    Merry Christmas, all,

    Craig Erick

  6. I admire you, too! Hug your beautiful bride for me and have a peaceful holiday. And to all who stop by here, I wish you the beauty of the season and a peaceful 2008.


  7. Anonymous9:04 PM PST


    Self-dilution is always a good medicine. Trouble is, when you have an insistent brain, it does not go willingly into a state of self-forgetting.



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