Captain Melancholy (CM): What's with these dying trees? I see them being sold everywhere, people haul these things home to watch them die, to watch their needles brown while they turn into a first class fire hazard.
Dale Carnegie (DC): It's not about trees dying, it's a celebration of the evergreen as a symbol of the sun returning from its journey on the winter solstice.
CM: Who asked him to return? Hasn't he heard of global warming? Have Al Gore give Old Sol a clue.
DC: Global warming is not the fault of the sun, it's a sign of industrial progress. Progress, progress, progress is what it's all about. Think positive!
CM: And if I put all my retirement money into a coastal Florida shack?
DC: Think of the joy of rebuilding!
CM: I think without the sun there would be no global warming. Ergo cancel Christmas and construct some giant parasols in space. I love space; so dark and lifeless, so hopeless, so final. I want to be buried in space.
DC: If you take my sales course you might bve able to afford it someday.
CM: Ha! Do you know how much they pay me just to stay away from the inaugural ball? It's depression protection money. I'm not the mob, but I collect my due, even from the mob. Look at Tony Soprano. And I've gone easy on him.
DC: Eek! What's that look in your eyes?
CM: Just your death, how do you like it?
DC: I hope I don't see you later.
CM: Then pay up, dude, or I'll shit on your dreams. That's better. You can go back now to your imaginary world of happiness, full well knowing you have to pay protection money to preserve your illusion.
DC: I'll send Norman Vincent Peale and Tony Robbins after you!
CM: Two more of my paying clients. Where have you been?
DC: The best things in life are free!
CM: Like depression. You want some?
DC: Help! I'm out of here!
CM: Chicken. I want to sing:
"I'm dreaming of a black Christmas
Just like a mental hospital
Where the patients shuffle
And nurses bustle
To give us all our latest dose.
I'm dreaming of a black Christmas
With every Christmas card I burn.
May your days be sorry and sad
And may all your Christmases be bad."
I hope this finds you in good cheer so I can ruin it.