I wrote my last post mainly about my diminutive Okinawan-American friend, Ralph, because otherwise he said he wouldn't read my blog. Readership immediately plummeted and he has yet to acknowledge the great honor I have done him.
However, all is not lost. I want to prove to Ralph that a poem about bowel care is more interesting than he. Below, a first draft on helping regularity.
Knowing that he is less than shit will likely not discourage Ralph in the least from his monumental narcissism, but if readers cooperate it might give him pause—just enough pause to consider pausing for that special moment.
Loosening Up (or "How to Prevent Hemorrhoids")
Lugubriousness, despite its sound,
can lead to constipation.
Douse it with Hoison sauce
and Louisiana assonance,
sublime your glossary
with fresh oysters and okra,
and dragon claws.
Add roughage of indigestible
poems replete with fillers
culled from second-rate sonnets,
needless modifiers and articles,
Swallow hackneyed emotion
as you would an oil puddle
with rainbow slime
(don't swallow the sun, it burns).
Absorption, irritation, bulk:
these are the trinity of flow.
Grind up a broom handle
and make a sawdust patty,
fry in bacon grease, coat with Tabasco,
follow with heaps of water.
Hail irritants and bulk as friends--
senna to flex your colon,
psyllium to mulch your stomach,
grasshoppers dipped in chocolate
for the chitin, try not to vomit
(use bisacodyl in a pinch).
The more you eat what can't be used
(absorbent without being absorbed)
the happier you'll be.
Done right, you'll hardly need to push
(Your anus thanks you heartily!).