Friday, December 30, 2005

Public Repentance

I want to publicly repent for something I said last night to my dear wife, Kathleen, about her son, my stepson. It was cruel, cruel, cruel and I can't take it back. I could blame the brandy but I won't. I'm just a bastard and sometimes my remarks can be more cutting than a chain saw.

You always hurt the one you love, especially cooped up in Mexico for months with no respite. I have never spent as much extended time with any one person as I have with Kathleen; I think she is the only one who could put up with me. She's certainly the only one I could live with in close quarters every day and still smile at her face in the morning and be grateful for her sweet company. After six years I'm still desperately in love with her.

Propinquity can sometimes be a curse, however, and we don't take enough breaks from each other, ending up in a rut wondering what to do each day. But this is no excuse for the cruelty of Craig. I was trained by a master, my father, and I can't seem to entirely escape his training, especially when my judgment is impaired by demon rum, just as his often was. Now my poor darling's eyes are swollen and she wants nothing to do with me, for which I don't blame her.

I was evil, I was cruel, I was careless, I repent. I trust she will forgive me but I doubt that will be soon. Each wound we inflict on each other runs the risk of diminishing the love and trust we bear a little more, something I dread more than death. Her love is the greatest gift I have received in this life and I spit in its face last night. I don't deserve Kathleen.

"Pray for us sinners at the hour of our death."

In grief and repentance,



  1. Steve Harris3:54 PM PST

    Shoot CE, Fat Tuesday hasn't arrived yet. Well, I thought you might want to read this while doing penance:

    I just saw a note regarding Melic (I'm rarely online in the poetry world anymore). Sorry to hear that it's closing down. Thanks so much for taking a few of my poems over the years. I wish you and Kathleen the best.

    -- Steve Harris

    p.s. good luck on the Eliot piece. Denis Donaghue's recent book -- Words Alone, was super.

  2. Hi CE I'm glad to have bumped into you here at your blog-o-sphere. I keep in touch with Teresa White so I was aware of the troubles at Melic. While the URL may have changed and ads pop up, no one was able to kill the good think called, Melic!

    I'm fascinated about your stay in Mexico. I fantasize about doing the same. "Live like a king for under $1000 a month."

    To your public repentance; you made mention of your step son, Craig, but are repenting to your wife. Have you made an apology to Craig yet? Just a thought.

    You may remember that I, too, am endowed with the gift of bipolar disorder. Perhaps you have found, as have I, that few people understand the illness, and fewer still can discuss it. This may be, in part, because any affective disorder is by it's nature mute.

    I have just published my first book of poetry and art based entirely around Bipolar Disorder. It's called, Voices in My Head. All of the artwork is original work by fellow poets, artists, and/or bipolars. The book is in full color and contains about 80 poems. While each poem stands on its own, the bipolar cycle of one bipolar (me) can be seen after reading the entire book. The artwork is fabulous, I am so grateful to the artists, their illustrations magnify my words so well.

    I think you will agree the book is unique and needed.

    Happy New Year
    Life is forgiving

  3. Again, Congratulations, Dave.

    I have your samples attached to your e-mail from the book, have yet to write you back.

    I wrote a similar book called Sine Wave detailing the journey from hell to heaven and back should you or anyone you know wish an e-mailed copy. Out of print. (Never was in print; when I finish a book it's like writing a check; Of course I don't have to mail it!) Teresa liked it very much, but then she's so nice to everyone.

    As for living like a king here, I'm a prisoner against my will. Kathleen and I mutually banished her son forever based on his latest violations of all trust, but I did not let her work through her grief without throwning barbs at his memory. He hurt me badly, too; I was his father for almost seven years.

    I'm going to blog today about the latest legal non-developments.

    And unlike you, I attract bipolars like flies--then many here have come to me in Mexico for treatment by word of mouth. Besides, should I want contact, I have a sister and two daughters with the disorder, not to mentions a heap of cousins on lithium, and Kathleen is a unipolar depressive. Being surrounded by mood-disordered people just seems normal to me!



  4. That's bleak. But good therapy to atone in public, a virtual hair shirt. I hope Kathleen is doing better. Perhaps you can tell me what she would like from the states, and I can mail it, since it looks like a package will reach you before Kenyon does. Being cooped up is unhealthy. Please let me know if you start writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over and .... We'll come down and drag you out of there.


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