My cousin, Dweebler Cramden, had a court appearance today, where the boredom and the flag drove him to pen the following:
Stuffing the Flag
I am a criminal—the court is clear.
An orange jumpsuit waits for me somewhere.
My crime? I stuffed a flag straight up my rear.
I think burning the flag is insincere.
It’s been done and done—it’s de rigueur
While my stunt makes the flag just disappear
And reappear again, no worse for wear—
A little rumpled, ready for laundry care
And salvageable for another dare.
The flag covered my ass when I began
But by degrees diminished so my can
Was all there was to see. I am a man
But I swear my genitals were out of view—
Only my ass and the red, white, and blue.
Still I was charged with public nudity
Although my cape was always standing by
Honored inside my body cavity
Where even the police ought not to pry.
As you can see, my cousin tends toward earthiness. He was in a pre-trial motion about misleading a wealthy woman of a certain age that he was Orson Welles. I say, what does it hurt? He's a gigolosaurus specializing in lonely fat women. He provides a charitable service and is much more entertaining than a mere escort. I hope he gets off with a warning. He can always move back to England, but he says there are more ample women here. He's a fine businessman and a credit to the obese everywhere.