Request
Take a stone blade to my hairless chest.
Plunge it in and turn it, find the heart
And cut it wide--you know it’s for the best.
Take a stone blade to my hairless chest.
Carve me a hole where blessed death can nest.
My life was more extraneous than a wart.
Take a stone blade to my hairless chest.
Plunge it in and turn it; find the heart.
I think I’m getting worse. The medications aren’t working. I am near tears much of the time. The noise in my brain is relentless-—snips of song and memory and accusations with a backup chorus of hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness. I doubled my antipsychotic medicine last night to see if my brain would be any less negatively active, but it did no good. I am on a cocktail of seven medications and they are clearly not working. The new and expensive antidepressant my doctor added two weeks ago has done nothing.
I want to leave this place but I could never do that to my children and wife, who for some strange reason still think my life is worth preserving. They are obviously poor judges of character.
And don’t worry, reader; being suicidal doesn’t mean that I would act on it, because I won’t. That doesn’t stop me for yearning for some fatal disease.
4 Kilorats,
CE
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Sorry for your pain CE. I absolutely appreciate your frankness, in every way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments, Sam. I appreciate your kindness.
ReplyDelete"I want to leave this place but I could never do that to my children"
ReplyDeleteGood.
Once, I had this thought - though it was torn between the two children/places. It was all I could do to sit and watch the bay leaves spiral -- for several years.
no meds, just time and water.
Seven - that's a pretty stiff cocktail.
How's your TSH, etc ?
Strange the way we don't know really how these head-meds work - just some seem to, on some - and yet prescribed as if religiously.
Take care, Craig
best to you-
reader.
Ah, you know some things. Prior to my diagnosis at age 30 I had to also use the time and water method. (see the next day's blog). But when I required ECT, I was put on maintenance meds. And the meds have worked so well I haven't had a major depression in ten 'effin years. Now I'm taking more than I ever have and they're not working. If I had insurance I would get ECT.
ReplyDelete