Monday, July 03, 2006
New Photo; Depression Update
I had to post this picture in order to have a URL from which to transfer it to my profile's photo. In it I'm younger and thinner but it still bears a fair resemblance to me, and I think it's not quite so doughty as the others I've borrowed from various e-zines who were good enough to include a photo.
I'm at about 1000 kilorats of depression, where I can work in my garden or schlep 250 lbs. of rat food if need be. But I still somewhat recoil from any affectionate touching by my wife. I fear intimacy and don't understand why anyone would want to be affectionate towards me.
I am getting better, I know the signs. At times Nature almost appears beautiful, but I have as yet no inner response to the sublime, no overawed appreciation of the redwood coast where I live, which my NY-raised wife says is the most beautiful place she's ever seen. I can see that it's beautiful, but the consequent feeling is as yet lacking. It will come, I'm sure.
This has been my worst and longest depression in 10 years, near as I can remember. The last one followed a mania and resulted in my last hospitalization and also, eventually, my retirement from medicine. This one's already past three months in duration but the meds seem to be kicking in, thank Pfizer!
In view of my hoped-for recovery, I'll need a new measure for feeling above average, or hypomanic, or God forbid, manic. For this I propose another rodent, a happy, bouncing, soft, cuddly one: a bunny! Mood above the mean will now be measured in kilobunnies. I look forward to that day when I tell you, dear reader, that I'm feeling around three kilobunnies.