I’m in one of those moods where whatever I do is wrong. If I try to blog I’m immediately bored else feel the pressure to go do something else. It’s not quite full-blown anhedonia, more of a restlessness, knowing no activity will satisfy me. I want to go forward and back at the same time, and the urge to do either brings up the question of my existence again.
At the same time I’m tearful just under the surface, have no opinion of my own, am afraid to make decisions, dwell on recurring trivia like my weight and my career. It all makes sense is you think about it.
Temperament is a lifelong measure of relative mood, and in this I think most of my friends would call me entertaining and upbeat. How strange to be a depressive as well, tossed between fear and damnation and fear of damnation, a zero walking.
Comments are getting scarce here. People refrain out of politeness, I’m sure, so not to scream from boredom. What’s there to say to a depressed person? Talk about anything but him. Give him a chance to project himself into the other if ever so briefly.
Forgetting oneself is the bliss I crave. That I can crave bliss shows my depression isn’t as bad as it feels, maybe 3 kilorats today. I couldn’t schlep that bag of food over, it would weight too much, the logistics are forbidding.
Depression is boring. It’s hard to come up with new things to say about depression. It’s like the boy in the bubble like being in a bell jar as if your hands were Styrofoam and would crumble at the first human contact terrified you know nothing forgetting what you just learned posing as a human with a monstrous hand pushing you forward on the gangplank of the abyss but you never quite fall because you’re pushing back but you never board the ship either Sisyphus by any other name tereu tereu take me back to the ball game with a warm Daddy figure and I’ll die for you sorry already dead suspended constantly able to vibrate but not really move as if the air were composed of flypaper feeling mechanical androidish inhuman sad at the fact that you are inhuman it makes you cry to be so inhuman what a pity what a wasted life a life you thought was a human life isn’t there anything on TV?