Another Relapse...

My last depressive relapse was explained on 2/3; it lasted about two weeks until 2/15. I have been "euthymic" ("good-mooded") since, but relapsed yesterday afternoon into a crying spell and melancholy thoughts. Yes, it does happen that fast. But there are again, clear biochemical reasons behind it.

1) I've had a nasty cold and bronchitis.

2) I stupidly took an antihistamine Wednesday night, the 7th, because of the cough and runny nose, even though I knew anthistamines can cause a sudden depression in me.

3) With my mood stable for three weeks, I idiotically ingested small doses of a pain medicine which can mess with my mood; I mentioned this in my last relapse posted 2/3, although that one began earlier. To be fair, I had run out of my usual pain medication, Celebrex, because for once the clinic had no samples, but I could have done something to prepare for that.

4) I had been exercising regularly and vigorously before I caught this cold; the abrupt stop in exercising would naturally lower my endorphins and make me vulnerable to a mood dip.

I remember Father Mulcagey (sp.?) from MASH treating an alcoholic dog. What he did was give him a whole bowl full of whiskey. The dog drank it all and became violently ill. Afterwards the pooch turned away from liquor with disgust.

How this differs from humans! I know better than to mess with certain pain medications! I know better than to risk antihistamines! But I was feeling what manic-depressives call "bullet-proof"--because I had had three good weeks, nothing could hurt me! Three good weeks and I forget everything I ever learned. Not that I forgot; I failed to respect what I knew. This is sheer stupidity, and typical of humans, who will return to the bowl of whiskey over and over again and never really learn a thing, behaviorally speaking. In this sense my relapse is certainly deserved. I trust that it will be short-lived because I have been more well than not over the last two months.

I feel shame attached in reporting this. Why do we never learn? Why do so many of us keep indulging in risky behavior when we know better? Paul addresses this in Romans 7 and 8, but I can't grasp his solution, nor do I experience it. I'm just as human as the next guy--if not more so. When it comes to temporary pleasure, self-control has never been my strong suit.

I also feel as if I must be well for my younger brother's birthday party March 24, which is silly, of course, as it puts conditions on my unpredictable disease. I only pray I don't go underwater too long.

Another negative factor is that Kathleen has since gotten my cold and is quite miserable. And the heat went out last night so she was cold besides. I hate to see her suffer; pain from degenerative changes in her hip and a ruptured disk continue to plague her as well. I hate seeing her suffer, have therefore not mentioned my temporary relapse, as she suffers too much already.

Look at how precipitous this relapse is! I wrote about poetry yesterday morning, and by afternoon I was in a melancholic fog, and today I am writing about myself and my illness again. You know I'm well when I'm not writing about myself, but perhaps this dip will give me the opportunity to describe how it is to come out of a depression more fully.


At Two Kilorats,

CE